If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
