Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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