I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
