My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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