I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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