Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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