Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
