my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
