I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
