my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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