Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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