just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
