also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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