You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
