I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
