I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
