boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
