i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He has the fingertips of a God
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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