I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize