drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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