i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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