Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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