I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
