i don't plan on having that self control this summer
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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