I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
