Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
