Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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