I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
