he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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