Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
