I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
