ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
