Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
