Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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