I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
