i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
