if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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