the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm passing your future prison.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
