Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
