if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
