I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
