Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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