What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
