Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
