It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
