maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
fuck your aforementioned shoe
two words: eviction party
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
