ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
