whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
