I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
