He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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