I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
