When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I need a burrito and a hug.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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