I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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