Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
