Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
