I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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