I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
