She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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